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Twelve years ago I found myself living out a dream of mine. I was being coached by a famous motivational speaker and author. I read his book when I was in high school and always wanted to meet him. His story captivated me and I never let go of that dream. After all those years, hanging on to this one dream of speaking and working with world renowned, motivational speaker, Les Brown, this stay-at-home mom of three kids (didn’t have our fourth until a few years later), is traveling and sharing the stage with him and a group of other fabulous speakers.

This could not be happening could it? Things like this don’t happen to a woman like me. I finally felt like I belonged. I was seen and accepted for me. My new friends took me – this young mom full of wild dreams for herself and her family – and pushed, encouraged, and helped me to see a bigger vision for my life. 

I was challenged. I was loved. I had found my people.

The following year, I was given an opportunity by Mr. Les Brown to help organize and plan a speaking event in Fayetteville, North Carolina with a local radio station. This event was so much fun. Not only do I love speaking, but I enjoy organizing events. Each speaker would speak at two local schools and in between talks we would show up at the radio station to do an interview. This event was being promoted throughout the entire city. There was a welcome gathering the night before and a luncheon the following day. The speakers were assigned to drivers who would help take them around town. I was not used to this kind of treatment or attention. I will be honest, it felt so good.

I was afraid to allow myself to embrace all of it because I didn’t believe I deserved it. I was afraid that if I were to accept all the goodness, people would think I thought it was all about me. The most delicious part of the entire event was the grand finale, which was held in the evening after speaking to the schools all day. This was hosted at a local church where the students would bring their parents for an encouraging word. The church was packed. Every speaker took the stage. I was the only white woman in the room and I had never felt more at home. There was an abundance of energy. Lives were being transformed; including mine. 

After experiencing many weekends like these, the only place I had to share my excitement and experiences with was my mom and sometimes, my husband (my husband and I were going through a difficult time. Looking back now, this was the beginning of God healing our marriage). I was often met with jokes and negative comments from a few 

family members. Some because I was changing, but most because the majority of my new friends were black. 

One Christmas, a particular family member thought it would be funny if he bought my 4-year-old daughter a twin pair of black baby dolls. When I helped my daughter open her present, all I could hear was snickering and laughing in the background. Though my daughter never knew what was going on, I did. My heart broke. I found more acceptance from strangers than I did in my own family. 

Nobody can tell me racism still doesn’t exist. Nobody can convince me there is no such thing as white privilege or white supremacy. Not only did it exist in my family, it was alive in me, even though most of my friends were black (If you are not sure what white privilege or white supremacy means, pick up some books and do your own research. Reach out to POC who are doing the work. Sit in the discomfort and listen to understand). It wasn’t until one of my good friends left the church and began to speak up about social injustice, that I grew to understand such darkness myself. At first it made me feel uncomfortable, but instead of rejecting her and insisting she was simply an angry black woman, speaking of things that were not true, the Holy Spirit made it very clear that I was to sit in discomfort, listen, and learn from her and many other WOC.

I began to notice that all the books I was reading were written by mainly white, conservative men and women who all shared similar ideas. I began to venture out and the unraveling hasn’t stopped. I was upset at what I found within me, and around me. The last thing I wanted to do was pass this on to our kids, who are multiracial. It was time to end this generational curse. 

I want to encourage you – if you are on this journey of deconstruction, not only within your faith, but also your mindsets that were unknowingly handed to you by others (family, church denomination, or society) keep going. Not everyone will understand. You will make people upset. You will lose friends. Many people will even begin to wonder if you have walked away from your faith. You might have walked away from a particular denomination, but you never walked away from Jesus. 

This is a cruel act that was done out of ignorance and limited knowledge of the suppression of POC, possibly not purposely done with an intention to be mean (even though it was mean.) 

Of course, racism doesn’t look like it did years ago. It hides in subtle ways – like mocking a woman who found love and acceptance within the African American community by giving her daughter black baby dolls, not out of love, but out of utter ignorance.

Editing Credit goes to the amazing Shelley Sample.