I’m a crappy friend. I know I am. And when I meet new people and they tell me how much they love me or how great I am, It makes me a little anxious. Why? Obviously, they don’t really know me. And Many times but not always, these people think I’m so fantastic because I’m showing up for them the way they need me to. I’m doing something for them or they are just seeing the side of me I want them to see.
But what happens when the reverse happens? When they begin to see all of me. The part of me that isn’t so positive or the part of me that doesn’t necessarily believe in the same thoughts or hold the same beliefs as they do? The part of me that is emotional and at times still struggles with depression and anxiety. Once they do see the real me, when they still look at me with love and acceptance or someone they need to need to fix or change?
What happens when I don’t show up, cancel at the last minute or don’t text back? Will they think I’m so kind of slacker? What happens when I say something that hurts someone I love? Will they leave and reject me? I understand that seasons change and you can’t hold on to relationships with a tight grip, but if I allow them in, they will be disappointed in what they find and I’ll be left with facing rejection once again.
I spent years beating myself up because of ways I hurt people I care about. Even though I asked for forgiveness, I still did not forgive me. Because of this, I overcompensated, people pleased and was addicted to the approval of others. I just wanted to be liked. Since I couldn’t forgive myself, I betrayed myself over and over again in return for an imitation of belonging.
I believe I’m enneagram 7 and so do my girls. But I haven’t actually taken the test just yet, but that is just another reason why my daughters keep telling me I’m definitely a 7 because I guess 7’s can’t sit down long enough to focus on taking a test. Which is why I haven’t done so.
Someone who shares a similar personality tend to find the good in everything and want everyone to be happy. Sometimes my positive half full attitude can drive people crazy and hurt deeply especially when someone is grieving and experiencing hardship and loss in his or her life.
Years ago, my enthusiasm just pick yourself up and let’s move forward, everything happens for a reason mindset was not caring for people well. I had to learn to listen, be quiet, when to speak and share and how to sit with someone in their pain. But I couldn’t show up for someone else and be a friend, until I learned how to turn my insides out, sit and heal my own pain and be a friend to me.
Luckily, I’ve learned a few lessons along the way. Starting with how to be honest with myself. How to take responsibility for my crap. To listen. To say sorry. To love with open hands. To want what is best for me and in return want what is best for others, even if that means not including me.
I’ve had to learn to say no so that I can say yes. I had to learn how to accept who I am. I can’t be who everyone wants me to be. I need to be able to show up fully myself while giving others the same space to show up fully themselves too. If they don’t like who I am or for some reason just can’t connect with me, to be completely at peace with it. Not everyone is good for me and I’m not good for everyone either. It’s ok. When we accept this and don’t take it personally we have the permission to stop performing, controlling and start living. We stop trying to live up to everyone’s expectations of who we need to be. And coming from someone who likes to be liked and accepted, you and I don’t have to be friends with everyone.
A few years ago, when I would meet someone I wanted to get to know better and perhaps build a friendship with or if I could sense the person wanted to get to know me, I started my conversations like this”
I want you to show up fully you. I don’t want you to be who I want you to be. I also want the same grace to show up fully me. I don’t do high maintenance. I’m a crappy friend. I will want to do a million things with you and say yes every single time but most 9 out of 10 times I will decline. Why? Not because I don’t love you,but because for the first time I”m beginning to love & care for me. I will eventually at some point disappoint you. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be mean or hurtful. It may even sound selfish. But I know the season I’m in. I’m a mom, wife and in the process of creating and putting my work out in the world and I need to show up and be present to me and the people who mean the most to me. I know this season will change and when it does I’ll have more time, but until then this is who and where I am. If you are OK with this, we can begin to slowly grow our friendship.
I lay it all out there. I also post my ideas and beliefs and organizations I support on social media so there is no surprise. I’m just me. There is no pretending. I’m the same online as I am laying around in my pajamas with my husband and kids. I’m too old to waste anymore time pretending.
Being a good friend means not to take how someone else can or can’t show up for you personally. . It’s about having empathy and compassion knowing they are on a journey too. It’s believing the best for someone just like you would like someone to believe the best for you.
Regardless, at the end of the day no matter how crappy or great of a friend you are at the end of the day, you are allowed to decide who you want to spend your time with and how big or little your circle needs to be.
My circle is small. But I sure do love the people in my circle and they love me too.
